Who Am I?

Well, here we are in the middle of an embryo waiting game. As of this exact moment, on paper, I am the legal owner of 13 embryo that were donated to me. Meanwhile, I do not know exactly where they are stored, and when they will be transferred. Waiting.....more waiting......and forms to fill out....always a form to fill out...... aaaaaannnndddddd more waiting.

While this process has been going on, I decided to get off the anti-depressant I have been on since my dad died, about 6 years ago. After his death, I just wanted to cry a lot. It seemed like there was no reprieve in sight, so I sought help from a medical professional. The meds helped. It was nice to be able to hold a conversation without tearing up. After a while, I would decide that I didn't want to be on them, and I would try to wean myself off. The furthest I made it was about 2 months out, and had a mini-meltdown, and caved, and went back on them.  I felt like the medicine had changed the chemical composition of my brain.

When the fertility stuff became a real possibility, I knew I would need to do it and stay off. There were one or two times that I ended up back on it, because what we were hoping for, fertility-wise,  did not happen. Well, in the last few months, I have gotten off the meds and stayed off. The question now is: WHO AM I?  Is the person I am now, the person I really am? Was I always this sad, angry and irritable? I don't think so. But it seems that the meds kind of numbed my feelings. If my feelings were a picture, it would be out of focus. I could let things go and not get so worked up before. I went through a few weeks (sometimes it still randomly happens) where I was just SAD. It was like a blanket of sadness was covering me. I felt heavy and didn't want to talk or joke or anything. My husband was very patient and let me be. We watch a tv show that has a prevailing story line of depression. When we first watched it, I was not where I am now, and I knew what one of the characters was talking about, but I wondered to myself, a few times, if people really felt it as deeply as he was describing. Well, fast forward a few weeks, and the answer was yes! It is amazing to me how the human brain can change so much of our thought processes, and there isn't really anything we can do about it. Now, I am just ANGRY! I have ZERO tolerance for BS, and sometimes I respond to things before thinking  about whether it will hurt someone's feelings. I don't say mean things, all willy-nilly, but I don't always stop and opt for the sugar-coated version.  I try to think back to before my dad passed away and wonder if this is how I was before. There are hints of things I can remember, but I really don't think it was to this extent.

The next few questions are: DO I LIKE THIS PERSON? DO I WANT TO ALWAYS BE THIS WAY? IS MY HUSBAND WONDERING WHO HE IS MARRIED TO?  It sucks to be almost 45 and not really know who you are all the time. Maybe it isn't knowing who I am. I know I am me, but knowing how to deal with the varying degrees of emotions is an adjustment. I don't know the answers to some of these questions, so I will have to wait and see what happens.

I recently had dinner with a friend who was going through the same thing, and it was such a relief to know that I am not alone. I know things will pass, and at one point, I may not even think about this "new me". But until then, I will be navigating the sharp seas of emotion and hoping I do not lose friends along the away. Yes, I tell myself that real friends will still be there, but some days that carries more weight than others. My husband has been my rock, my sounding board, and has had the patience of a saint when it comes to my sharp replies, my lack of replies, my lack of laughter and kidding, and my uncalled-for tears. Here's to the old/new me....

CCMTB Trike Team Race Report #2 3-7-19

Race Report:  This will be a LONG one, due to the large number of competitors I had to face. Well, I asked Wade if we could celebrate our 5^th anniversary with our MTB friends at District 249, and the CCMTB Crew/ MTB Uncensored Group did not disappoint. (I know everyone didn’t just show up to celebrate our anniversary, but I don’t care…they were there.) I hesitatingly signed up for the trike races again, knowing there was a bigger pool of competitors. This would not be a quick race series.  I have to say, that even though this was not my first time racing, I was a little nervous. I finished 3^rd last time, so I had something to prove…that it was not a fluke.  I was alongside MTB greats, and honestly, I figured I didn’t stand a chance. My only hope was that my first round match up was NOT an MTB’er, and then they could knock each other out of the competition, leaving me to advance a few rounds. Sadly, I did not get matched up with the inebriated chick who fell OFF her bike and DNF’ed. (She fell so soon, it was a close call between DNF and DNS.)  I got lucky in my initial draw, though, and was matched up with someone who did not appear to have EVER ridden a bike, and certainly not a trike, since about the age of 3. As he pranced to his bike, my confidence grew that I may have a chance to start off round 1 with a W. After the first lap, I started gaining on him. When I could actually see him in front of me, I knew I had it. My cheering section kept me motivated. I ended up taking the first round with minimal effort, although you could not tell it was minimal from my breathing pattern and heart rate. #outofshape  

Next round, I am matched up with none other than a BEAST named Debbie! #Imscaredtodeath  I had done some research on this opponent and knew she had stamina for days. #marathonqueen This would be a true test of my character and determination. I had to legit try and just not be humiliatingly lapped by her, and hope her trike wheel fell off. Since I know her personally, and respect her riding skills, I had no intention of sabotage. #TonyaHarding I will be honest, my heart was racing so much, and I was so nervous, this race was a blur. Whatever bit of good luck befell me, and allowed me to beat her by the fiber of a Strava shirt, ILL TAKE IT! This is not only the ONLY time I would be able to beat Debbie in something bike related, it is the first time I could even be considered for the same division as her.  I knew the trikes have some tiny cranks, and the likelihood of feet coming off the pedals was all I could hope for. Well, the MTB/Trike gods were on my side. I managed to skate by with another W. 

During a break between rounds, we had some technical issues and the bikes had to be repaired. Thanks to Scott for having the necessary tools.  Next up, my opponent was Carey. #notasnowballschance  Carey has a long history of consistent improvement, heart and determination. I knew that, a few weeks prior, he did not even take it easy enough for his wife, Bobbi, to win, so I was in trouble. As the race progressed, I HEARD that he started to “gas out”. #wordonthestreet Honestly, I did not have any visions of me winning this round, but somehow, I won. I don’t know how close the race was, the MTB Crew would have to provide details. By this time, they are even ringing cowbells to help motivate and encourage! All the while, I was falling off my bike as I crossed the finish line, but managed to keep in the saddle.

 It came down to the final 3 racers. I was ecstatic knowing I had at least podiumed, again, so the loss of the next race would not hurt as bad. Next up, Tami. #imgonnalose Not much to say, except, whatever caused her foot to slip off the pedals long enough for me to catch up, was a Godsend…yes, I believe God’s hand played a part in this race series… #howelsecouldistillbeintherace  #miraclesdohappen My feet slipped off the pedals too, but apparently not so long that I could not take advantage of her misfortune. Somehow, #bythegraceofGod, I managed to win.  It was difficult to ride back to the finish line with tears of joy in my eyes, but I made it. Tami was a most gracious opponent and a great sport! #cuzsheknowsshesreallyfasterthanme  

The announcer said I could take a short break and to let him know when I was ready. Well, I KNEW, for real this time, that I would not win.  I debated on whether to rest and try to gain some energy or just go for it, already knowing the outcome. The CCMTB Crew helped me strategize. My plan was, to "let him" lap me, and as he rode by, take him out.  My conscience got the best of me, so this was nixed. This guy was legit fast, but I was content to be 2nd.  I just didn't want to be lapped. Let's just say the race started, the guy was super fast, and I lost. This was the best anniversary ever....friends, biking/racing, and WINNING!  I will say that, at the moment, Brian did point out that I am at least 2nd in the TMBRA standings, with a 2nd and 3rd place win, only behind Adam, with a 1st and 2nd place win. I do have my paydirt and rules are signed, sooooo....all in all, it was PERFECT! Thank you again, to my support team, my mechanics, my photographer/husband, and my people, for just being there. You made this girl VERY happy! #myquadsdonthurtbutmylungsfeltit