Who Am I?

Well, here we are in the middle of an embryo waiting game. As of this exact moment, on paper, I am the legal owner of 13 embryo that were donated to me. Meanwhile, I do not know exactly where they are stored, and when they will be transferred. Waiting.....more waiting......and forms to fill out....always a form to fill out...... aaaaaannnndddddd more waiting.

While this process has been going on, I decided to get off the anti-depressant I have been on since my dad died, about 6 years ago. After his death, I just wanted to cry a lot. It seemed like there was no reprieve in sight, so I sought help from a medical professional. The meds helped. It was nice to be able to hold a conversation without tearing up. After a while, I would decide that I didn't want to be on them, and I would try to wean myself off. The furthest I made it was about 2 months out, and had a mini-meltdown, and caved, and went back on them.  I felt like the medicine had changed the chemical composition of my brain.

When the fertility stuff became a real possibility, I knew I would need to do it and stay off. There were one or two times that I ended up back on it, because what we were hoping for, fertility-wise,  did not happen. Well, in the last few months, I have gotten off the meds and stayed off. The question now is: WHO AM I?  Is the person I am now, the person I really am? Was I always this sad, angry and irritable? I don't think so. But it seems that the meds kind of numbed my feelings. If my feelings were a picture, it would be out of focus. I could let things go and not get so worked up before. I went through a few weeks (sometimes it still randomly happens) where I was just SAD. It was like a blanket of sadness was covering me. I felt heavy and didn't want to talk or joke or anything. My husband was very patient and let me be. We watch a tv show that has a prevailing story line of depression. When we first watched it, I was not where I am now, and I knew what one of the characters was talking about, but I wondered to myself, a few times, if people really felt it as deeply as he was describing. Well, fast forward a few weeks, and the answer was yes! It is amazing to me how the human brain can change so much of our thought processes, and there isn't really anything we can do about it. Now, I am just ANGRY! I have ZERO tolerance for BS, and sometimes I respond to things before thinking  about whether it will hurt someone's feelings. I don't say mean things, all willy-nilly, but I don't always stop and opt for the sugar-coated version.  I try to think back to before my dad passed away and wonder if this is how I was before. There are hints of things I can remember, but I really don't think it was to this extent.

The next few questions are: DO I LIKE THIS PERSON? DO I WANT TO ALWAYS BE THIS WAY? IS MY HUSBAND WONDERING WHO HE IS MARRIED TO?  It sucks to be almost 45 and not really know who you are all the time. Maybe it isn't knowing who I am. I know I am me, but knowing how to deal with the varying degrees of emotions is an adjustment. I don't know the answers to some of these questions, so I will have to wait and see what happens.

I recently had dinner with a friend who was going through the same thing, and it was such a relief to know that I am not alone. I know things will pass, and at one point, I may not even think about this "new me". But until then, I will be navigating the sharp seas of emotion and hoping I do not lose friends along the away. Yes, I tell myself that real friends will still be there, but some days that carries more weight than others. My husband has been my rock, my sounding board, and has had the patience of a saint when it comes to my sharp replies, my lack of replies, my lack of laughter and kidding, and my uncalled-for tears. Here's to the old/new me....