Who Am I?

Well, here we are in the middle of an embryo waiting game. As of this exact moment, on paper, I am the legal owner of 13 embryo that were donated to me. Meanwhile, I do not know exactly where they are stored, and when they will be transferred. Waiting.....more waiting......and forms to fill out....always a form to fill out...... aaaaaannnndddddd more waiting.

While this process has been going on, I decided to get off the anti-depressant I have been on since my dad died, about 6 years ago. After his death, I just wanted to cry a lot. It seemed like there was no reprieve in sight, so I sought help from a medical professional. The meds helped. It was nice to be able to hold a conversation without tearing up. After a while, I would decide that I didn't want to be on them, and I would try to wean myself off. The furthest I made it was about 2 months out, and had a mini-meltdown, and caved, and went back on them.  I felt like the medicine had changed the chemical composition of my brain.

When the fertility stuff became a real possibility, I knew I would need to do it and stay off. There were one or two times that I ended up back on it, because what we were hoping for, fertility-wise,  did not happen. Well, in the last few months, I have gotten off the meds and stayed off. The question now is: WHO AM I?  Is the person I am now, the person I really am? Was I always this sad, angry and irritable? I don't think so. But it seems that the meds kind of numbed my feelings. If my feelings were a picture, it would be out of focus. I could let things go and not get so worked up before. I went through a few weeks (sometimes it still randomly happens) where I was just SAD. It was like a blanket of sadness was covering me. I felt heavy and didn't want to talk or joke or anything. My husband was very patient and let me be. We watch a tv show that has a prevailing story line of depression. When we first watched it, I was not where I am now, and I knew what one of the characters was talking about, but I wondered to myself, a few times, if people really felt it as deeply as he was describing. Well, fast forward a few weeks, and the answer was yes! It is amazing to me how the human brain can change so much of our thought processes, and there isn't really anything we can do about it. Now, I am just ANGRY! I have ZERO tolerance for BS, and sometimes I respond to things before thinking  about whether it will hurt someone's feelings. I don't say mean things, all willy-nilly, but I don't always stop and opt for the sugar-coated version.  I try to think back to before my dad passed away and wonder if this is how I was before. There are hints of things I can remember, but I really don't think it was to this extent.

The next few questions are: DO I LIKE THIS PERSON? DO I WANT TO ALWAYS BE THIS WAY? IS MY HUSBAND WONDERING WHO HE IS MARRIED TO?  It sucks to be almost 45 and not really know who you are all the time. Maybe it isn't knowing who I am. I know I am me, but knowing how to deal with the varying degrees of emotions is an adjustment. I don't know the answers to some of these questions, so I will have to wait and see what happens.

I recently had dinner with a friend who was going through the same thing, and it was such a relief to know that I am not alone. I know things will pass, and at one point, I may not even think about this "new me". But until then, I will be navigating the sharp seas of emotion and hoping I do not lose friends along the away. Yes, I tell myself that real friends will still be there, but some days that carries more weight than others. My husband has been my rock, my sounding board, and has had the patience of a saint when it comes to my sharp replies, my lack of replies, my lack of laughter and kidding, and my uncalled-for tears. Here's to the old/new me....

CCMTB Trike Team Race Report #2 3-7-19

Race Report:  This will be a LONG one, due to the large number of competitors I had to face. Well, I asked Wade if we could celebrate our 5^th anniversary with our MTB friends at District 249, and the CCMTB Crew/ MTB Uncensored Group did not disappoint. (I know everyone didn’t just show up to celebrate our anniversary, but I don’t care…they were there.) I hesitatingly signed up for the trike races again, knowing there was a bigger pool of competitors. This would not be a quick race series.  I have to say, that even though this was not my first time racing, I was a little nervous. I finished 3^rd last time, so I had something to prove…that it was not a fluke.  I was alongside MTB greats, and honestly, I figured I didn’t stand a chance. My only hope was that my first round match up was NOT an MTB’er, and then they could knock each other out of the competition, leaving me to advance a few rounds. Sadly, I did not get matched up with the inebriated chick who fell OFF her bike and DNF’ed. (She fell so soon, it was a close call between DNF and DNS.)  I got lucky in my initial draw, though, and was matched up with someone who did not appear to have EVER ridden a bike, and certainly not a trike, since about the age of 3. As he pranced to his bike, my confidence grew that I may have a chance to start off round 1 with a W. After the first lap, I started gaining on him. When I could actually see him in front of me, I knew I had it. My cheering section kept me motivated. I ended up taking the first round with minimal effort, although you could not tell it was minimal from my breathing pattern and heart rate. #outofshape  

Next round, I am matched up with none other than a BEAST named Debbie! #Imscaredtodeath  I had done some research on this opponent and knew she had stamina for days. #marathonqueen This would be a true test of my character and determination. I had to legit try and just not be humiliatingly lapped by her, and hope her trike wheel fell off. Since I know her personally, and respect her riding skills, I had no intention of sabotage. #TonyaHarding I will be honest, my heart was racing so much, and I was so nervous, this race was a blur. Whatever bit of good luck befell me, and allowed me to beat her by the fiber of a Strava shirt, ILL TAKE IT! This is not only the ONLY time I would be able to beat Debbie in something bike related, it is the first time I could even be considered for the same division as her.  I knew the trikes have some tiny cranks, and the likelihood of feet coming off the pedals was all I could hope for. Well, the MTB/Trike gods were on my side. I managed to skate by with another W. 

During a break between rounds, we had some technical issues and the bikes had to be repaired. Thanks to Scott for having the necessary tools.  Next up, my opponent was Carey. #notasnowballschance  Carey has a long history of consistent improvement, heart and determination. I knew that, a few weeks prior, he did not even take it easy enough for his wife, Bobbi, to win, so I was in trouble. As the race progressed, I HEARD that he started to “gas out”. #wordonthestreet Honestly, I did not have any visions of me winning this round, but somehow, I won. I don’t know how close the race was, the MTB Crew would have to provide details. By this time, they are even ringing cowbells to help motivate and encourage! All the while, I was falling off my bike as I crossed the finish line, but managed to keep in the saddle.

 It came down to the final 3 racers. I was ecstatic knowing I had at least podiumed, again, so the loss of the next race would not hurt as bad. Next up, Tami. #imgonnalose Not much to say, except, whatever caused her foot to slip off the pedals long enough for me to catch up, was a Godsend…yes, I believe God’s hand played a part in this race series… #howelsecouldistillbeintherace  #miraclesdohappen My feet slipped off the pedals too, but apparently not so long that I could not take advantage of her misfortune. Somehow, #bythegraceofGod, I managed to win.  It was difficult to ride back to the finish line with tears of joy in my eyes, but I made it. Tami was a most gracious opponent and a great sport! #cuzsheknowsshesreallyfasterthanme  

The announcer said I could take a short break and to let him know when I was ready. Well, I KNEW, for real this time, that I would not win.  I debated on whether to rest and try to gain some energy or just go for it, already knowing the outcome. The CCMTB Crew helped me strategize. My plan was, to "let him" lap me, and as he rode by, take him out.  My conscience got the best of me, so this was nixed. This guy was legit fast, but I was content to be 2nd.  I just didn't want to be lapped. Let's just say the race started, the guy was super fast, and I lost. This was the best anniversary ever....friends, biking/racing, and WINNING!  I will say that, at the moment, Brian did point out that I am at least 2nd in the TMBRA standings, with a 2nd and 3rd place win, only behind Adam, with a 1st and 2nd place win. I do have my paydirt and rules are signed, sooooo....all in all, it was PERFECT! Thank you again, to my support team, my mechanics, my photographer/husband, and my people, for just being there. You made this girl VERY happy! #myquadsdonthurtbutmylungsfeltit

4 Miracles Do Happen

Miracles do happen….

Jan 26, 2018 was the day they fertilized the 3 eggs to test them with my husband's newest sample.
By Sat, the 27, while attending the district UIL competition, I received word we had 1 out of 3 fertilize.
By Monday, we still had 1, but it did not seem to be growing very much, and the prognosis wasn't very
good. A few days later we were told none made it. Cue the ugly crying....

At first we didn't want to talk about it or think about it. When the conversations started again,
it went to adoption- adoption through DFPS. We mainly thought of this route because it was FREE.
At this point in time, we were $70,000 deep. (Some may think it's tacky to post that...but it is what it is....
that is a HUGE part of it.) We had moved into our dream home, and in order to be reasonable and not
struggle all the time, we decided to sell. THAT was difficult. We didn't need all the room at the time, and
we did not need the ridiculous monthly payment- money was needed elsewhere. Moving was difficult for
various reasons. Not because we were leaving a gorgeous house behind, although I know people have
talked and speculated about how we "couldn't hack it" or "couldn't keep up," but because we were leaving
a great group of neighbors and friends and leaving a house that was supposed to be our forever home.
We chose less stress over living above our current means. The "baby debt" just added to what we had
as normal debt. We moved into an apartment in April 2018, and throughout the summer went back and
forth over what our next steps would be. We even got a 3 bedroom apartment so we could show that we
had room for a baby.

Let me stop and say that my husband has been a DREAM throughout this whole process (as long as
filling out paperwork is not involved- LOL), and he supports me no matter what. I was the one going back
and forth about adopting for so many reasons: are we too old, is this really supposed to happen, are we
pushing it too far, what if we have to give the baby back while fostering to adopt....to name a few. I feel
guilty, so often, for putting him through this, all because I want a baby. That is when he, lovingly, reminds
me that WE want a baby, and we will do what we can to make that happen. Anyway, we finally decided
to go forward and complete paperwork and trainings online. Periodically, throughout the summer I would
work on paperwork, gathering the proper documentation, etc. This seemed to trudge on forever. I did it
half-heartedly, wanting a baby so desperately, but being SOOOOOO TIRED of jumping through hoops
to have this happen. The fact that so many people have babies they don’t want, and don’t take care of,
exacerbated the problem.  I know paperwork seems like it is not a big deal, but after a gazillion forms for
so many procedures, medicines, travel arrangements, legal issues, counselling, etc, I am TIRED.

Fast forward to the first week of October. My sister-in-law sends me a text asking where we were in the
adoption process, and I told her paperwork. A few days later she asks if my uterus is “still open for
business.” (I still laugh when I think about that question.) As I texted her and told her yes, she said she
had a lady who wanted to donate embryo to me. I can not tell you how many times I have literally sat
and thought, “I wish someone would just GIVE me some embryo,” KNOWING this would not really
happen. Well, IT DID! I talked to the donor one Friday, when she called and said, “Brandi, I have good
news for you. I called my fertility office, and I have 13 embryo you can have.”
Cue the ugly crying….but for happy reasons this time. Currently, as I type this, we have had required
counselling as a couple, the donors have had it as a couple, and we have had it together to discuss
expectations for after the baby would be born. I had a sonohysterogram to ensure my uterus is still in
good shape (GREAT NEWS- she’s fine...lol), and we are awaiting a blood test for the donor couple and
legal paperwork to legally transfer them to us, as well as financing.  Once the embryo are transferred
to our clinic, I will start meds to accept the embryo and we implant one.

I am going to take this time to answer questions you may be wondering, because these are what are
usually asked…(If you have others, and want to ask, I don’t mind.)

*Receiving embryos means they are already fertilized by the donor couple.

*I am able to carry a baby, according to tests that have been done; I am just not able to use my eggs
(and apparently my husband’s sperm).

*We will only implant one embryo at a time. Previously, more than one was implanted in women

because they did not know which ones would work and which ones wouldn’t. I was told they are trying

to make it the standard to only implant one, so that the embryo do not fight over resources and your

body can focus on one. Plus, we are doing genetic testing, so we will know which ones will not support

chromosomally.

3

Let me start this post by saying that, initially, this was about me carrying a baby. When I was younger, I wanted to have kids. The longer I was single, and the longer I taught, I was fine not having children. This was the worst thing I could have said to my mother, of course. She grew up only wanting to be a mom. Before long, I was mid 30's, living on my own for ten-ish years, and had resigned myself to the fact that it wouldn't happen, and I was genuinely ok with it. During several conversations with my Dad, he told me that when I met the right person I would want kids again. I finally got to the point that I didn't think about it much. As this process has gone on, it would be AWESOME to experience carrying a baby, all the terrible parts with it, but it has developed into more than that. I am not someone who believes ALL women want a baby at some point, and I completely understand being in a place that being a mother is not what someone would want to be. I have been there. I also know how feelings can change. As Wade and I started a life together, I was put into the momma role quickly. He had been a single dad for a couple of years when we got together, having custody of his little girl. He was a phenomenal father, and I very much wanted to have a baby with him. The way he loves reminded me so much of my dad, that I knew it would be perfect. Anyway, I began to do things moms do for children on a daily basis. When we got together, the little one was 4 or 5. At that time, I figured that if we had a baby it wouldn't be a big change because we already had a young one at home...so, why not? Now, doing "mom things," but not being the "real" mom has added to this situation. I want to have a baby to be called Momma. I want to watch him or her learn to walk, and talk and all the things that come with it. I even became fine with adoption, and not carrying a baby, as long as I could have a small one that all of this could be possible with....soooo...

At the end of the last post I said they tried to fertilize the 3 extra eggs with a frozen sample of my husbands....that was not true. At that point, I had written a nasty email to my husband's urologist, who did the vasectomy reversal, because he claimed all was well, and every time we would go to my doctor, they would tell me his samples were not good. The doctor performed a free procedure on my husband where he was going to extract sperm from the source. We, first, thought they were going to use a needle. As I watched in a procedure room, they actually did a testicular biopsy, and we took the fresh sample to my embryologist. The urologist was so excited about this new sample, and the embryologist said it was not as good as they hoped. The mobility, count and quality was not what my doctor was hoping for, and there was no reasonable explanation. My husband has two healthy daughters and no previous injury or issue, so there was no reason anything should have been wrong, but they went ahead and used them, because they were no worse than the frozen samples we had. In the next post, I will start with the fertilization of the 3 eggs and go forward from there.

Thank you for reading and caring about our story. I know I type like I talk....long winded...LOL

2

I have recently found podcasts that I really enjoy. I started listening to one called "Terrible, Thanks for Asking." It was started by a woman who lost her husband and her dad in a few weeks. The premise of the podcast is that when people ask how you are, you should be able to answer honestly. I know in normal every day interactions, this is not always possible, but the podcast is a great place to hear stories of people and the things they have struggled through and how they have come out on the other side. The podcast may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I love hearing of people who have overcome such great heartache and are "ok" and living their lives. The same person who turned me on to this podcast also recently told me of another one called "Maculate Conception." It follows a couple who are on their third round of IVF. As I listen to it, she speaks my heart and touches me and makes me feel as though I am truly not alone in this. I KNOW I am not, but to hear someone who feels the EXACT same as you validates you in some way. I have decided to listen to an episode and blog as something in each episode speaks to me. Most who know me, know I am an open book. I like to share my experiences for various reasons. Mainly, I want people to know they are not alone in their craziness, much how I feel when I listen to Maculate Conception. Here is a not-so-quick recap of events since the first blog post. I mean, I just posted it today, but I wrote it 2 years ago.

     Since that post, we went through 3 egg donors to get to one that could give us eggs. One became pregnant for herself, one did not pass the genetic screening (She is a carrier for Spinal Muscular Atrophy.), so we finally found a nursing student that graduate from Tech. She resembled me, as far as features go, and ended up giving us a total of 18 eggs. They were supposed to be retrieved when Harvey hit, so they took the eggs in Lubbock. My mom and I drove to Lubbock, picked them up and brought them back. They fertilized them with a frozen sample from my husband and after some not making it through thawing, etc, we ended up with 8 fertilizing. This was the HAPPIEST news we had gotten in a long time. We had waited so long for good news, it was a welcomed change. The plan was to wait a week and see which ones made it to the blastocyst stage so we could have them genetically tested. Fast forward 6 days to where my doctor calls to tell me that NONE of them made it. 2 were close. One made it to a blastocyst stage but fell apart the last day, and one was almost there and quit growing. WORST.HEARTACHE.EVER. 

     The doctor felt really bad for me and said they had 3 extra eggs that were frozen in the egg bank that they could test with one more sample that was frozen from my husband. If it worked, the 18 eggs may not have been good. If they didn't work, the swimmers from my husband may not have been good. These 3 eggs were from the original donor we wanted, that became pregnant for herself, so I was convinced this was meant to be. When they fertilized these 3, none of them grew past the initial fertilization. A let down, but not as dramatic as the first time. So, at this point, 21 eggs later, nothing.... (not to mention a buttoad of money wasted)

1 Here Goes Nothing

So, I decided to take up a new hobby....blogging....to pass all the spare minutes I have and entertain people as much as possible. It's not just to entertain. I often think about the amount of people who experience the same things I do and could use someone that understands, or I think about the people who could help me. I don't want to do this because I want everyone to know my business, but I don't mind sharing if it helps someone, or even better, makes them laugh.

In the last 5 years a lot has happened. There were times it felt like life was going to kill me, and there were times I wanted to kill others. I have lost a house, lived with my parents, lived with my youngest brother, lost my dad, gained a husband, gained two step-daughters, gained momma duties and privileges, had a student stay with me because his mother got put in jail, moved 6 times, lost 3 dogs, built a house, dealt with infertility issues, had one daughter take dance, gymnastics & play softball (I realize these don't seem traumatic, but oh...they are.), coached softball, and just lived life. Looking back, I wouldn't change a thing (except my dad dying after a battle with brain cancer. I'd have him not have cancer at all.). I have many stories and situations to share, but will just speak on them at random.

The first topic weighing on my mind is fertility- or infertility, as the case may be. I got married late in life, at 38. I had previously decided that I did not have a biological clock and did not want children of my own, having been a teacher for over 15 years. I spoke often to my dad about worrying that one day I would not want children. He said, "When you meet the right person, you will want them." I had no idea how right he would be.

My husband had had a vasectomy about 5 or 6 years prior to us getting together (during the summer). About a year after getting married, my husband had a vasectomy reversal. Where a vasectomy took 30 minutes, the reversal took about 8 hours. All things considered, he was a sport about it. (He was only slightly angry in the recovery room.) At the conclusion of the procedure, the doctor informed me that "swimmers" were detected in the tubes, so everything should be fine.

Fast forward 8 months (spring)... With no success, we went to the fertility clinic. I had an ultrasound that showed I had a a few follicles left to produce eggs, but due to my age, and heredity, my egg reserves were low and the possibility of a healthy egg leading to a healthy baby were very slim. Also add to that a "sample" from my husband coming back with practically no live "swimmers". I was devastated. My husband was not able to go to the appointment where I got the results, so my mom went. You have to understand that one of my mom's dreams is that I have a baby. So, not only did I get to try and pretend it was not crushing, but I also got to go home and try to brush over the fact that our ridiculously expensive procedure for my husband did not work, and despite my fertility health, we would not have a baby with my husband's current count.

I was in a state of mourning. It was a mourning that felt very odd, given I was mourning the loss of something I never had. Before experiencing it, I would never have guessed, or understood, the possibilities of this. (The last 3 years of marriage and parenthood have been FILLED with moments I never could have dreamed of, believed, or fully comprehended.) My husband was wonderful and gave me the space and support to grieve as I needed. My youngest step-daughter was also disappointed, as she was really wanting to be a big sister. The baby race was seemingly over. I had convinced myself it was for the best and that if I couldn't have a baby naturally, I didn't need one. I told myself it was as it was supposed to be, and I believed it for a while.

The next 4 or 5 months I prayed the doctor was wrong and that a miracle would happen. One night, while watching tv, my husband made a comment about us not having a baby due to my infertility. I gently tried to re-explain the results from his sample and how, even if I were ok, we would not be able to conceive due to issues with him as well. A few days later, a new tv show came on...This Is Us. (SPOILER ALERT) In the beginning of the first episode, the main character is giving birth to triplets. My husband says, "I need to go to the doctor." I thought he meant for glasses, as discussed in an earlier conversation. When I turned around to ask him what for, I saw tears in his eyes. He said, "I need to go to the doctor so you can have a baby. I want you to be able to experience that." And that was it....the second round of fertility treatment began.

We have since gone back to the urologist, who put him on prednisone, believing there must be a blockage. The next "sample" came back with enough to freeze for IVF. YAY!!!! FINALLY, GOOD NEWS!!!!!! They told us to comeback about 4 weeks later and freeze another. In the meantime, I went back to my doctor to let her know that we were taking care of my husbands issues. She informed me that with IVF I would only have about a 20 to 25% chance of having a baby. If I use a donor egg, my chances increase to about 65%. I also had tests done to see if I could carry a baby. That test came back great. I am able to carry. Now, our decision in whose egg to use and making sure my husband's count stays up.

I know this is long, and a lot of very personal information, especially for a first post, but this is what is weighing on my heart. I am keeping the faith that all will work out as it should, but it is a struggle. Thank you for taking time to read my story and sharing in my journey.